The "Let Them" Theory is the Best Mindset Shift for Anxiety, Attachment, & Anger

You cannot control people, so don't waste time trying to do so. Let them.

Pc: @melrobbins

Truth be told, the "let them" philosophy is not new. Stoicism, Buddhism, the Radical Optimism Theory, and even the capitalist economic theory of laissez-faire have presented the same idea. Let them be, and the market will self-regulate. Whether this works out for the better in economics, I cannot say, but Mel Robbins' version has already proven most effective.

It all started with a short TikTok, which quickly went viral. After Mel analysed why such a simple phrase resonated with millions of people worldwide, she expanded her theory into a podcast episode and a book. The Let Them Theory essentially posits that you should allow external forces that you cannot control, like people, the economy, etc., to act as they wish. At the same time, you can use the freed-up energy otherwise spent on futile frustration to become proactive in your own choices, which is very much in your control.

For example, your crush is not texting you back? Let them. Get yourself on a dating app and message someone else. Your boss is not giving you the promotion you deserve? Let them. Update your LinkedIn and send out those applications. Are people making fun of you for your appearance? Let them. Take care of yourself and be proud of it.

The reason this theory resonated with me so much is not due to its groundbreaking thought factory but because of its simplicity. All I have to do is let go of the anger, attachment, and anxiety by accepting what is out of my control. The triple A's are a common companion to many people in their everyday lives, and often, the focus is put on what we can do to change situations for the better. Sometimes, the best course of action is to let things be and move forward.

The "Let Them Theory" is an excellent portal to agency. When we shift our focus from changing people's minds or behaviour to what we can do for ourselves, we suddenly see all the possible solutions that the need for control of others blinded us to.

By way of example, whenever I scroll through any social media platform, I always come across so many posts that anger me. They make me feel furious at the state of the world and people's mentalities, and I end up complaining all day. Applying the let them theory enabled me to leave them to their chaos and use my leftover energy to create content that brings me peace. If all I have to offer is to complain about the situation, then I am no better than those I complain about. By letting them be and choosing to be a part of the solution, I not only feel better about social media, but I also care less about the content that used to enrage me.

However, where do we cross the line between letting things go that we cannot change and accepting defeat and complacency before we even try? For instance, I have considered a career switch for a while, but I didn't get far in my applications for the roles I wanted due to a lack of experience. At first, I felt frustrated at why no one would give me a chance; I had so many transferable skills, after all. There were many moments when I felt sorry for myself, wallowing in my lack of career purpose and fulfilment to no fault of my own. I tried, I applied, and nothing yielded.

This is where the danger of "let them" might come in: because I felt powerless, victim to the circumstances, I accepted this as a reality too quickly. In short, I let go. I knew many other colleagues who struggled with the same issue, and we were all adamant that the system is rigged, the economy is bad, and we had done our best. Until I had a moment of genuine self-reflection, and I asked myself, "Did I do my best, and do I continue to let them decide my livelihood for me"?

On the one hand, I accepted that I can't keep fruitlessly applying to roles like I had done before, whilst hoping for a different result. On the other hand, I should not give up trying to achieve my career goals altogether. Where do you go from here to not waste any more time on what you cannot control?

I focused on what I can do: improve my skillset. I started looking into credentials that could help me stand out in an application, even though they were not a requirement for my desired role. I analysed how my previous experience is not only transferable to the new field, but it would also offer a fresh perspective that a traditionally trained person might not observe. And I thought about what I could do on my initiative to demonstrate my confidence by starting this blog.

Ultimately, I spent my time and energy on things well within my reach, landing me interviews I had not been previously invited to. The important thing was that I gained a sense of agency, hope, and proactivity over my career. Gone was the anger over the unfairness of it all, the anxiety of not being good enough and never making it, and the attachment to only one way of achieving my goals – the one where other people have to accept you.

I want to include another important example. If you often feel left out by your friend group because they make plans without inviting you, or you have a partner who is not putting in as much effort as you would like, then the first course of action would be to speak up. Don't just "let them be" and hope they come to understand what they are doing wrong. Sometimes, people are unaware of the consequences of their actions because of no harmful intention behind them. It takes direct communication of how their actions made you feel for them to realise what they did was wrong.

In the case of them not taking responsibility after you brought the matter up, be thankful to see their true colours. After you have spoken up for yourself, the ball is in their court, and if they fail to pass it back to you to continue the game, this is where you take action and leave.

The problem is, I know several people who struggle to speak up for themselves because they either think their suffering is obvious or they would never treat another person like this. You cannot assume other people won't act in a certain way just because you wouldn't, nor that your pain is visible to everyone else. What is painful to you might not be painful to someone else, and vice versa. This emphasises the need for agency: the ability to help ourselves by taking initiative to address a problem and what we expect in its stead. If this approach doesn't work out, only then can we proceed to let them be and reorient ourselves to people who fulfil our needs.

Therefore, the "let them theory" is a masterful approach to letting go of things we cannot control and shifting our mindset to our abilities. This shift allows us to recognise the agency we possess in any situation, unveiling the many possible solutions we had been previously blinded to. It is important to note, however, that we cannot just "let people be" if we haven't exercised our voice or maximum effort to express our discontent first. You never know how quickly things can change for the better simply for speaking up. In the event of things not improving, letting go is the right step forward.