How to Overcome Insecurities & Build a High Self-Esteem

All praise to being delulu.

In recent years, whenever I have come across the discourse on insecurities online, I receive the fruitless message "just to accept them, everybody has them, they are okay", to which I call BS. What does it mean just to accept insecurities? That is like saying "just be happy" to a clinically depressed person. If it were that easy, they probably wouldn't struggle, don't you think? And while it may very well be that, at some point, everybody struggles with insecurities, I know several people who have dealt with them, so they're not held back by them anymore.

Lastly, are insecurities really okay? In my experience, the causes of insecurity are never as bad as we think they are, but the effects of insecurity are never okay. We all know someone who is crippled by their insecurities, and how difficult that makes them to be around. I, myself, noticed that my insecurities manifested themselves in ugly traits, such as envy and pick me girl mannerism. Not only do unresolved insecurities lead to people avoiding our company, but they also cause us to stand in our way. There were many times I did not even try to apply for a role because I thought I was not good enough. The deadline came around, and I happened upon the employer one day. She asked whether I had seen the vacancy because I would have been a good fit. In German, there is a saying for a situation like this "I could have bitten myself in the ass", which semantically expresses frustration at having self-sabotaged.

Ultimately, I think we need to change the discourse on insecurities to the following: "Most people struggle with this, you are not alone, but you need to overcome them, otherwise, you'll become your own enemy, and people won't enjoy your company." The question is, how do you overcome insecurities?

In a previous article on how to adopt Body Positivity as a State of Mind, I outlined with the help of my mom, a fully trained and certified Life and Mental Coach, the importance of positive examples to rewire your brain and control your thoughts by gaining perspective. In my case, my shape has bothered me my whole life, and by focusing on examples who look more like me rather than Victoria's Secret Models, who I could never emulate with even the strictest of diets, I trained myself to rethink what body shapes and sizes constitute beauty. And whenever I was presented with the opposite yet again, I strived to gain perspective that comparing myself to others will only deplete me of energy that could otherwise fuel positive affirmation.

Body Positivity, as a state of mind, is a daily choice of directing your thoughts to all the reasons why your body is beautiful. For instance, whenever my height (5ft queenie here) bothered me, I focused on women like Salma Hayek and Sabrina Carpenter who embody beauty and femininity in a short frame. I realised that a small body often correlates with a big personality, and the juxtaposition makes each attribute all the more endearing. The more my thoughts circulated in this way, the more inclusive my perception of beauty became, and now I wouldn't want to change anything about my height.

Body Positivity, as a state of mind, is also a daily reframing of the issue to gain perspective. For example, I constantly worry about my muffin top, but other than sticking to my meal and workout plan, there is nothing I can do within 24 hours to make it disappear overnight. Yet, I criticise it 24/7. When I zoom out of this small situation, and I gaze through a wider lens, I notice how much of my energy is wasted on things I cannot do more for than I already am, and how much I let a piece of meat bother me, when I have bigger things to worry about in my daily life. This gain in perspective allows me to let go of the issue as a daily dampener on my constitution and use the saved energy for my goals instead.

Similarly, dealing with insecurities on a larger scale, not just limited to the body, requires an active reframe of the mindset. Keke Palmer gave an insightful interview recently, where she explained what the reframe is and how she practices it. "It's not that I didn't get the role, it's that your movie is no longer as good as it could have been," she says cheekily to JHUd.

Keke talks abot the reframe at: 7:40 min

The reframe gives Keke grace in the face of rejection. Instead of feeling downcast at not receiving the role she auditioned for, and letting someone else's decision impact her internal opinion of herself as an actress, she uplifts her own worth by insinuating she could have made the movie better. Or, she also states, "You did not break up with me, you released me from your wrath." The breakup could make Keke feel like she was not good enough and cause deep-rooted insecurities in her loveability. Instead, Keke reframes the breakup as the best possible outcome for herself, since the continuation of the relationship might have kept her from better things ahead.

Keke's examples inspired me to implement the reframe in my own life in a matter that causes insecurity. When I was younger and still going out to clubs, my girlfriends and I always loved to make an effort with our makeup and outfits. Getting ready was so much fun, and we hyped each other up that by the time we arrived at the club, we felt like the main characters. The boost of self-esteem would never last very long for me, as all of my friends were approached by guys, and I was not. Only once, did a guy come up to me, albeit not my type, but a win is a win, only to ask me if my friend was single. Since this happened every single time we went out and continued to do so for years, I have struggled with a sense of desireability and whether I'm attractive at all. How do you reframe this?

To make light of a serious situation, a friend pointed out to me that no one sees me. At first, I was like, "Bitch, wtf?", and then she elaborated that no one can see me because I'm tiny and hidden by all of my friends who are at least 2 heads taller than me. It doesn't help that I always dance in the middle of the circle and throw it down when the beat drops. Men jump upwards when the beat drops. We miss each other on the basis of altitude.

This means the problem is not that no one thinks I am attractive, the problem is that I rarely wear heels. However, what about when I am sat down at a bar, or I walk on the street? No one obscures me from view, then. Men have approached my friends, while I was walking next to them, but never me. To this, a guy friend supplemented that I have CRBF (=chronic resting bitch face), and I should try smiling at a guy for once. I did not understand, what is "smiling at a guy?" After he explained that it is a signal of welcome and approachability, I could not believe I ever doubted my attractiveness. I should have doubted my likeability, instead. Much easier to fix, too.

The reframe is a powerful tool, but it can also be a slippery slope down the road of delusion. In some cases, I might not be attractive to someone, and that is the true reason why I wasn't approached. Just like Keke's acting might not be the perfect fit for every role. I can put in as much effort as I want, and I might still not be to someone's taste, and that is completely fine. In a way, this thought is incredibly freeing and can be applied to any other insecurity, too. Whatever you are insecure about, remind yourself that you don't need to be universally liked, appreciated, acknowledged, or loved. The goal is for a select few to do this for you, and you curate this selection of people by staying authentic to yourself. Only then can what is meant for you, find you. Confidence is not based on everyone liking you, confidence is that you'll be okay regardless.

At the same time, the delusional aspect of the reframe is slightly aspirational to someone crawling out of insecurity's despair. To illustarte, UCLA conducted a study where men were more likely to approach a woman who rated herself high, even if others only rated her as average. During a Jay Shetty podcast with body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards, she confirms this study reveals that inner perception directly impacts the external action of others. In other words, the fact that a lack of men approaching me causes an insecurity of being unattractive, further deteriorates the situation, since men are less likely to approach a woman who is insecure. In this scenario, the delusion granted by the reframe comes as the aspirational remedy to break the cycle. Also, I am in no danger to grow self-conceited, dating apps are way too humbling to allow this.

Frankly, I think most people are nearer to self-doubt and insecurity than they are to self-aggrandizing delusion. The reframe is only dangerous to those who already lack self-awareness or do not care to acknowledge social feedback ever (which, unfortunately, is a growing number of people, but in all honesty, they are not very likely to read a blog about self-improvement, are they?). Go ahead and become a bit delulu.

So, we have two approaches from my Body Positivity as a State of Mind article: a) rewiring your understanding of what is "enough" "beautiful" "great" by looking at examples that affirm yourself rather than negate your person; b) zooming out to see the bigger picture of why your insecurity is not as big of a deal as you think it is, in order to free up energy otherwise spent on self-criticism for self-improvement of any kind. Then, we introduced the reframe inspired by Ms Keke Palmer, which also grants a changed perspective in which we are not the victim, but the winner.

When I asked my Mental Coach Mom if she had anything to add to help people overcome their insecurities and appear more confident, she had the following to say: Confidence is not the absence of insecurities, but it is high self-esteem despite your insecurities. Well, how do you work on your self-esteem?

Firstly, we need to remind ourselves of all the things we are good at, that make us beautiful, and that we contribute to any situation. Most of the time the voice of critique is the loudest in the back of our minds, so that the voice of praise falls short. People with high self-esteem switched the dominance of the voices around. Initially, this will take a concerted effort of controlling your thoughts, but after a while, it will become second nature.

Secondly, high self-esteem is based on how you treat yourself, how you show up for yourself in terms of reliability and promises. When you set a goal for yourself, do you stay on it until achieved? Or do you quit when the going gets tough? I also mentioned this in my body positivity piece, we need to fulfill the promises we make to ourselves to prove a continuation of character that will fill us with pride and appreciation, which will in turn, lead to a higher self-esteem. So, the blog I've been talking about for years? You're reading it now, and I'm all the more confident for it.

Lastly, high self-esteem comes from dealing with insecurities head-on. Sometimes, this means doing something to get rid of them, like I try with weight loss. Sometimes, this means implementing the previously-mentioned methods to accept them as strengths as opposed to weaknesses. Don't just accept insecurities, but transform them first into traits you like, and then accept them as such. This is how you overcome insecurities and build up your self-esteem.

Finally, I want to leave you with an exercise. Imagine for 2 hours that you are that person, insecurities non-present, confidence beaming. Put on your cutest outfit, wash and style your hair as you like it best, do whatever you can do to physically make you feel good. Then, go outside with your head held high and pretend that you are the main character, while everybody is watching you in awe. I got three "I like your outfit, hair, sunnies, etc" and two "hellos" from strangers. It turns out my resting bitch face is no longer chronic.